Great ideas and inventions… I think (part 1)

Okay… normally I don’t toot my own horn, but I’m tired of others getting credit for ideas that I came up with first. 

Case in point.    You’ve probably seen recent commercials for the cell phones coming out with larger buttons and less functions.    Cell phones geared toward the older, more techno-challenged age group.   You guessed it.   My idea!    I thought this one up while watching my in-laws fumble with a cell phone that had a microscopic keypad.    I even thought of the name – the ‘Easy Phone’, which I think is the actual name of one of the phones being marketed.

Well I’m putting my foot down.    No more!    From now on when I think of a great idea, dare I say, one that could be life-altering – I’m going to tell you about it first.   Then you’ll know that there’s more going on in my pea-sized brain than wondering when I last went to the bathroom.

Here’s the next great idea.   I call it ‘Skunk Gum’.    And yes… it's just like it sounds – gum that makes your breath stink.    You think I’m crazy.    I say I’m crazy like a fox.    Now I’d like to speak just to the single women out there who are fed up with getting hit on every time they try to go out and relax with the girls.   Imagine… you just got off at five after putting in a hard 2-3 hours worth of work.   The only thing on your mind is a cold tall one at your local tavern.    You can taste the froth on your lips.    But then you remember all the icky guys that kept bothering you last time.    You know, the retro-throwback guys with the slicked back hair and the partially unbuttoned, nylon, 70’s style shirts.    The type of guy that makes you throw-up just a little bit every time you picture him.    Well fear no more.    Now you’ve got Skunk Gum as your wingman.    Skunk Gum won’t let you down.    Just pop in a piece and when throwback guy approaches – all you have to do is open your mouth.    One good whiff and he’d sooner stick his tongue in a latrine.   As you watch the excitement of anticipation leave his body, you can rock back in the chair and laugh. 

Skunk Gum – it’s time for you to take control. 

Until next time, remember that there’s no such thing as a bad idea – yeah right!   J/W

Bill… my neighbor Bill… am I crazy?

The other night I found myself sitting in the dark at my living room window and staring over at Bill’s basement window.    I didn’t want to admit what I was thinking.    I fought hard to rationalize what I saw the other day when I broke into his basement.    I told myself over and over that there was no connection between the missing mailman and the bricks pulled up from the dirt floor in his basement.    But the longer I sat there in the dark, staring across the yard at that window, the more it became clear to me.    Bill had killed the mailman and was intending to bury him beneath the brick floor.

Was I going crazy?    Was my imagination getting the better of me?    It wasn’t a chance that I was willing to take.   I called the police early the next morning.    Now I knew I didn’t have any evidence – only conjecture.   I also realized that without something solid the cops weren't going to do anything.    The only thing concrete was that the mailman had been missing for nearly a week.    So I did what I had to do.   I lied.   I told the cops that I saw the mailman’s postal bag when I was down in Bill’s basement retrieving some of my tools.    I went on to tell them about the bricks being pulled up and the shovel next to the dirt.

The cop car showed up in front of my house minutes later.    They questioned me before they went over and knocked on Bill’s front door.    As they climbed up the steps to Bill’s porch, I pulled the drapes in my living room shut to where I could peek out and not be seen.

I have to say that I was shocked when Bill answered the door and let them in.   A few seconds later I saw the lights flick on in his basement.   …what was going on…?    I couldn’t see what was happening, but about ten minutes later the cops walked back outside – and Bill wasn’t in their custody!   I waited until they were back in the cop car in front of my house before I ran out and flagged them down.    As they jotted some notes down on a report I asked them why they didn’t arrest Bill.    The cop on the passenger side, a young guy, answered without ever looking up from the notepad.   He said that they found the spot with the bricks pulled up – he said they even dug down a couple of feet until they hit hard clay.    Nothing was there.    No mailman.    No postal bag.   Nothing to indicate that there had been any wrongdoing.

I was in a daze as I walked back inside.   There had to be a body… there had to be.   I slowly walked over and sat back down in the wingchair that I had positioned in front of the window.   Everything felt disconnected – like I was watching the events unfold from outside my body.    I didn’t feel myself lean forward.    I could see the drapes bunched up in my hands, but the material had no feel.    I sat there, and without realizing what I was doing, resumed my stare at the basement window across the yard.    Nothing really registered until the lights flicked off in his basement.    That’s when I took a deep breath and began to think about the locked coal room.

Until next time, pull up a chair and join me.   As long as one other person believes me – then I can’t be crazy.   J/W

My interview yesterday….

Well I had my interview yesterday, and like any wise man would do – I tried to put the wisdom that I learned from my recent encounter with S.H.I.T. to good use.     It was going pretty good.    I was answering his questions, keeping good eye contact and not fidgeting too much.    But I could see that he was teetering in his decision.     What could I do?    Well if you’ve been reading my posts very long then you know damn well what I should do.    I motioned toward the picture of his wife on the desk and said, “How much for the woman?”

His reaction surprised me a little bit.    Didn’t he know S.H.I.T.?    After a second to clear his throat he said, “I’m sorry… what was that?”

I leaned toward him, beaming with confidence.   “Your wife… I want to bang her.    How much will it cost me to throw her down on the bed and make her squeal?”

Now I know I was drunk and lost that night in downtown Indianapolis when I stumbled upon the great house of S.H.I.T., but I know what I saw.    I know what I heard.    If there had been even the slightest hint that I hadn’t understood the events that transpired that night, I never would have posted the insightful knowledge that I did here on this blog.    So what the hell… not only did I not get the job offer right there on the spot (which by the way I was expecting), he called security and had me walked out of the building.

Guess I’m going to be with everyone for a while longer.   Until next time, based on what happened to me yesterday, I feel it’s my duty to warn everyone that sometimes the written word is just that – and no more.   J/W

Websites for writers…

We all have our favorite websites for gathering information on agents and/or publishing.   Here are a few that I’ve found to be the most helpful:

1.  ‘Preditors & Editors’  http://anotherealm.com/prededitors/   Probably the most complete listing of agents and publishers on the net.    Great tool!    It flags agents/publishers that have indications of sales, or who for one reason or another are either “recommended” or “not recommended”  by the web site.

2. ‘Absolutewrite – water cooler forum’  www.absolutewrite.com/forums/    Use the Bewares and Background Checks to find out the goods on suspect agents or publishers.    A repository of good information based on the experiences that writers have had with both good and bad agents.

3. ‘Guide to Literary Agents’ www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/    I use this site mainly for its New Agency Alerts, but there’s also Q&A with agents on what they’re looking for…

4. ‘Agent Query’ www.agentquery.com/   This site is very similar to the site run by the AAR, but for whatever reason I tend to use this one more.    I guess it’s because this search includes agents that aren’t members of the AAR as well as those who are.

5. ‘Ralan’ www.ralan.com/   Great place for market updates – which publishers are accepting queries and what they’re looking for.    Mainly contains the smaller, independent publishers – good for someone like me who’s trying to break into the mid-market list.

6. ‘AAR’ www.aar-online.org/mc/page.do   The association that sets the standard for the ethical behavior of agents – the ‘Association of Artists’ Representatives’.    This is the best place to look if you must have an agent that is member of the AAR.

7.  ‘Publisher’s Marketplace’ www.publishersmarketplace.com/   This is a great place to see what’s going on with whom.    I “browse” the member pages for agents and publishers (sort by date) to see who is open for queries.

Please let me know if you have other websites that are particularly good.   Until then, keep typing and keep trying.  J/W

Vampires, life and Easter… who’d guess?

Hi everyone... I'm going to keep this short today. Without boring you with my life story - let me say that I was down-sized out of a job 2 years ago. Since then I've been employed as a temp. Well tomorrow I've got another opportunity to become one of the fully employed, so I'm going to spend most of the day in preparation.  I'll let you know how it goes.

I want to take a second to thank everyone who's downloaded 'Survival - The Fall of Post #17' from Amazon. I appreciate the support, but I'm at a loss for the lack of comments or reviews. Remember you can always post a comment here on my blog (I'll show all comments, good and bad). And if you don't want to review the story on Amazon, you can simply post a comment on the discussion board. It can be found near the bottom of the page on Amazon.

The second installment of the serial 'Survival - The Siege of Lawrence' is ready to go and I hope to have it up and live by mid-April.    I'll let you know when Amazon opens back up to more shorts.    In the meantime, if you haven't already checked it out - give 'Survival - The Fall of Post #17' a try and remember to post your reviews.   In case you've forgotten, my plan is to make this story interactive going forward from 'The Siege of Lawrence'.    I'll take reviews and comments about the plot and characters into account as I write subsequent installments.    This gives you, the reader, the opportunitiy to determine who lives and who dies.    Do you want the vampires or the humans to win the battle for survival? 

Click on the image below to order the first installment of my short Vampire story from Amazon.com for just $.49.

Until next time, keep reading... and let your imagination take you on the ride of your life. J/W

I’m taking a day off for the holiday…

Have a happy Easter and I'll see you next week. J/W

My movie review of ‘No Country of Old Men’….

If you’re a fan of the Coen brothers, then you’ll love this movie.   In many ways it reminds me of Fargo (1996).     The basic premise of the story is that a cowboy, Llewelyn Moss played by Josh Brolin stumbles onto a stash of cash after a major drug deal goes wrong in the desert.    All the drug dealers are dead, so who’ll notice?    Oh I’ll tell you who’ll notice – that’s Anton Chigurh played absolutely perfectly by Javier Bardem.     This guy is one of the most intensely terrifying characters I’ve seen in a movie in a long, long time.     So throughout the movie, Anton is hunting down Llewelyn and the suitcase full of cash.     Make no mistake going in – if you want to see the “good guy” win in this movie then you’re in for a rude awakening.

I have to admit that I’ve never seen Javier Bardem before.    How the Coen brothers found him – I don’t know, but boy am I glad they did.    Of course their writing and directing can’t be overlooked – it was dead-on.  

The entire movie is filled with tension, but unlike so many other movies who build tension by quickening the pace, this movie uses character development and the skills of the actor.    Case in point: there is one scene that had me on edge with fear and pity all at the same time.    [Anton’s in a gas station out in the desert and after fumbling around with a few snacks, he goes up to an old man behind the counter and flips a quarter.    With a deathly stare, he tells the old man to call it.    The old man steps back a bit, and asks about the stakes.    Anton maintains his stare and tells him again to call it.]    You know if the old man calls it wrong that he’s dead.    And you know he senses the severity of the stakes even though Anton never tells him - you can see it by the fear in his eyes.    That scene was absolutely heart stopping.

The acting, writing, directing and settings were just about as good as a movie can get.    My only complaint about the movie is that I would have liked to have seen the shootout that kills Llewelyn.    In a way, I think I understand why they chose to shoot that scene the way they did.    It keeps the viewer off balance, where you don’t get to see everything that happens – much like real life.

Of course I also have to mention Tommy Lee Jones who plays ranger/sheriff Ed Tom Bell.    His part is to chase down Llewelyn and try to arrest/save him before Anton gets a hold of him.    He never directly crosses path with Anton and ends up too late to save Llewelyn.   I think the character’s real role in the movie is to show the differences between generations.   After all, the name of the movie is ‘No Country for Old Men’ – meaning that they can’t keep up with attitudes and violence of a generation they can barely understand.

Again if you’re a fan of Fargo or Blood Simple (1984) then you MUST SEE this movie.   On my scale of 1-5 with 5 being a great movie, I’d give ‘No Country for Old Men’ a very robust 4.5.

Click the images below to order this movie or the other two movies referenced in this review from Amazon.com.

 

Until next time, if you find a suitcase full of money surrounded by dead guys, take my advice and just pass it by.   J/W

Something a little less harsh… for a change.

Here's a few pictures that came across my desk.   I hope they brighten your day.

We've been trying to teach our dog chess for a couple of months now.    As of last night, I'm 3 out of 8 against him....

Our other pup is a little more intellectually challenged... by the way, that's my pillow.    Now you know what happens when we don't feed our dogs hotdogs or sausage.

The biggest, little yawn in history... and yes, it made me yawn too.

Sometimes you just have to say what the hell, and eat the whole damn thing.

Until next time, enjoy the pleasures that our 4-legged friends bring.   J/W

I did it…. I snuck into my neighbor’s basement….

I wanted to bang this out real fast just in case something happens to me.    I told you that I was going to go over to Bill’s and find out what in the hell he was hiding in his basement – well I did.    It took a lot longer than I originally expected because he very seldom leaves the house anymore.    My chance finally came last night after supper when I saw him head out.    I didn’t want to drag Rena into this (not after seeing her swollen face the last time I was over there) so I kind of broke in.

I jimmied the rusty lock on one of his basement windows and shimmied on in.     I was so pre-occupied with that damn padlocked door to his coal room that I didn’t even notice the shovel or bricks at first. 

There was no secrecy to my actions.    I knew that I’d be leaving evidence that at least someone had been down there – but I was to the point that I didn’t care.    I grabbed a hammer off a workbench and brought it down across the padlock with a vengeance.    Several whacks later, I was dripping with sweat and huffing inside the coal room.     I flicked on the light bulb dangling from the ceiling, and as it threw shadows from one side of the room to the other like a boat rocking at sea, I scoured the brick walls and dirt floor for anything out of place.    I threw an old wooden bucket out of the way and was just about to give up when I finally noticed it.    It was an old, rusty, iron hook - nailed to one of the joists.   It looked like it had been there forever, but it still looked like it was strong enough to hold a man.    I was about to use the bucket as a footstool when I realized that I’d seen it before.    It was the same bucket that Bill used to hold stain whenever he worked on his trim.     Except that when I slid my finger across the inside, it didn’t feel fresh and oily or set up smooth – it was crusty and flaked off in my fingers.   Stain doesn’t behave that way.

Before I had a chance to spend any more thought on it, I heard the front door open.    Bill was home.    I dropped the bucket and ran for the window.     That’s when I found the shovel and bricks.    My foot landed in a shallow depression and I tripped.    As I scrambled to my feet, I saw a pile of fifty or so bricks (bricks were used to line the dirt floor in Bill’s basement), and a shovel. 

I heard the door at the top of the basement stairs open.    The fuel of fear ignited me to action.   I leaped over and hit the brick wall beneath the window that I crawled through, grabbed on to the sill and started chinning myself up as the basement stairs began to creak.    I got one elbow up on the sill, then two – and then I pushed my upper body through the window.     That’s as far as I got before I heard the silence behind me.    The stairs weren’t creaking anymore.     I froze for a second – then the fear of not being able to see behind me propelled me forward.    I clawed and scrambled out onto the dirt and dead grass between our houses.    But I had to look back.    I flipped onto my belly and swung back around.    From the outside, Bill’s basement looked completely dark.     But how could it?

Now that I’m safe at home and have a chance to think about it, I don’t remember flicking off the light in the coal room.

Until next time, I’m afraid that I’m about to find out how much the truth is going to cost me… J/W

The last of the hot S.H.I.T. interview questions…

Question 3.   Why are you looking to leave your current position?

Answer 3a.   I’m looking for the personal and career growth that comes with accepting new challenges.   (some of the S.H.I.T. members simply snickered while others went as far as to turn their back and shake their heads – this was not an acceptable answer)

Answer 3b.   My current boss keeps reprimanding me for pulling up and sharing porn on the Internet with my co-workers.    He wants me to work!     I’m sorry, that’s just not something I’m willing to do.    (this response actually invoked a lot of empathy among the brethren of S.H.I.T. – I think I actually saw a few tears trickle down from the thought of such persecution – this was a good answer, but would need a strong follow up like banging the bosses wife in the supply room to land a job offer)

Answer 3c.  I’m tired of banging my current boss’s wife.   [then he paused to glance at the picture of the interviewer’s wife sitting on the desk]   You’ve got a really hot wife.    (all the robed members of S.H.I.T. nodded in appreciation that the applicant was up to taking on new challenges – this was the answer they were looking for)

Question 4.  What are you looking for as far as salary and benefits?

Answer 4a.  I would hope to be paid in accordance with my experience and education.  (I’m not sure what happened after this response was read to the members, but it looked like a pistol passed hands right before an old, wrinkled S.H.I.T ran out of the room)

Answer 4b.  I want to be paid more than I’m worth.   And I expect that salary to start right away – even though I can’t actually start working for a couple of months.   (this brought little more than a few shoulder pumps from the ring of S.H.I.T. as this was little better than the standard response taught at Harvard)

Answer 4c.  All I really want is for my boss’s wife to squeal while I bang her in bed.   (this response represented the immediate gratification that any good S.H.I.T. looks for – this man was offered the job right there on the spot and has been banging away ever since)

There you have it – an insiders guide to landing some of the most prestigious jobs to be found in industry.   Until next time, one last word for the wise – remember to keep your responses short and solid – S.H.I.T.’s get irritated by anything that runs on.  J/W