Question 3. Why are you looking to leave your current position?
Answer 3a. I’m looking for the personal and career growth that comes with accepting new challenges. (some of the S.H.I.T. members simply snickered while others went as far as to turn their back and shake their heads – this was not an acceptable answer)
Answer 3b. My current boss keeps reprimanding me for pulling up and sharing porn on the Internet with my co-workers. He wants me to work! I’m sorry, that’s just not something I’m willing to do. (this response actually invoked a lot of empathy among the brethren of S.H.I.T. – I think I actually saw a few tears trickle down from the thought of such persecution – this was a good answer, but would need a strong follow up like banging the bosses wife in the supply room to land a job offer)
Answer 3c. I’m tired of banging my current boss’s wife. [then he paused to glance at the picture of the interviewer’s wife sitting on the desk] You’ve got a really hot wife. (all the robed members of S.H.I.T. nodded in appreciation that the applicant was up to taking on new challenges – this was the answer they were looking for)
Question 4. What are you looking for as far as salary and benefits?
Answer 4a. I would hope to be paid in accordance with my experience and education. (I’m not sure what happened after this response was read to the members, but it looked like a pistol passed hands right before an old, wrinkled S.H.I.T ran out of the room)
Answer 4b. I want to be paid more than I’m worth. And I expect that salary to start right away – even though I can’t actually start working for a couple of months. (this brought little more than a few shoulder pumps from the ring of S.H.I.T. as this was little better than the standard response taught at Harvard)
Answer 4c. All I really want is for my boss’s wife to squeal while I bang her in bed. (this response represented the immediate gratification that any good S.H.I.T. looks for – this man was offered the job right there on the spot and has been banging away ever since)
There you have it – an insiders guide to landing some of the most prestigious jobs to be found in industry. Until next time, one last word for the wise – remember to keep your responses short and solid – S.H.I.T.’s get irritated by anything that runs on. J/W
