Just as I promised – here’s some more insider information that I picked up during my recent encounter with the Secret House of Industrial Tycoons (or S.H.I.T. for short). For my own safety, I must insist that if you get caught using any of the information I’m about to provide, that you answer all subsequent questions from the interrogator with the flat statement “I’d like cheese with that.” This will throw them off track and give me time to hitchhike to Canada.
Warning!!!! Until now, this information has only been known to the upper elite of the privileged few.
Interview knowledge – how to correctly answer those tough interview questions:
Question 1. Where do you see yourself in five years?
Answer 1a. Contributing to the success of this company as a vital component in the team’s efficiency and productivity. (Wrong answer – this one produced the most laughter among the S.H.I.T. members)
Answer 1b. That really depends on where I’m working in five years. (Several S.H.I.T. members nodded in appreciation of the forethought evidenced in this response)
Answer 1c. Smoking a cigar in bed after banging your wife. (This response was met with admiration and cheer among the S.H.I.T. members in attendance – this is the correct response)
Question 2. Name one aspect about yourself that you’d like to improve.
Answer 2a. Right now I spend time volunteering with youth groups. I’ve had good success in helping several inner-city teenagers turn their lives around. But because of that involvement, I’ve only been able to put in 50 hours a week at work. I’d like to dedicate a bigger chunk of my life to my career. (This response caused several S.H.I.T. members to gesture in front of the crotch with a jerking motion)
Answer 2b. I was caught and dismissed from my last job for embezzling. I’d like – scratch that – I need to learn how to embezzle the correct way. That’s the first thing I’d like to address in any new position. (Several S.H.I.T. members stomped the floor and then tilted to the side at this response – a sure sign that they thought it was good, but still the candidate didn’t quite hit the mark)
Answer 2c. Right now I have to rest and smoke a cigar after banging your wife. I’d really like to develop the stamina to go at her again right away. (This produced a loud, simultaneous heart-felt grunt among the S.H.I.T. brethren. The highest show of appreciation – this candidate is now the CEO of one of our most prominent corporations)
I hope this helps those of you out there. I know it’s invaluable to any about to embark on a career change. But there is more. As the days go by, I’ll clue you in to some of the most highly guarded secrets in the cloaked membership of S.H.I.T.
Until then, remember to flush and keep the secret. J/W
