You all know and love this song. Well now it’s time that you know the true story that inspired it:
Thought it sounds quite impossible, this story is based solely on facts.
I was sit’ in bed late one night, drinking booze and watching Cinemax.
For way too many years, I’ve shared a doublewide with my wife, sleep’ in beside me.
In that time we’ve grown so far apart, that why we stay together, I simply can’t see.
After watching some steamy sex, I think about the past and how it was so great.
But now that I looked at her sleeping there, it simply fills me with hate.
I rolled up the paper in frustration, and was about to whack her across the head.
But when I spotted the personal column, I stopped right there and read:
“If you like buckets of warm beer, and girls with big, full racks.
If you’re not afraid of playing rough, and even taking a smack.
If you like having sex all the time and anywhere, like under the pews of a church.
Then I’m the horny chick of your dreams, come to me and I’ll sit on your perch.”
So as I lay there with my pint of Jack, I wrote back with my own personal ad.
And though I’m no stink’ in poet, I thought it wasn’t half-bad.
“Yes, I like buckets of warm beer, and do’ in it in a church.
I can’t imagine anything more pleasing, than you rid’ in on my perch.
I’ve got to have you by tomorrow noon, this is no mistake.
At a bar called O’Malley’s, and I don’t care if they’re fake.”
When she sashayed into the bar, I knew her look in an instance.
It was the curves in her blouse, even from that distance.
She was my own lovely lady, and she said, “Oh… you old fart.”
I kept staring at her hair, and that’s when everything, fell apart.
I said, “Damn baby… what’d you do to your hair.”
She said, “They call it Autumn Mist… no need to swear!”
We laughed for a moment, and then we suddenly dropped to the floor.
I pushed her back under the table, and I got me some more.
“If you like buckets of warm beer, and girls with big, full racks.
If you’re not afraid of playing rough, and even taking a smack.
If you like having sex all the time and anywhere, like under the pews of a church.
Then I’m the horny chick of your dreams, come to me and I’ll sit on your perch.”
Click the image below to order the CD 'Rupert Holmes - Greatest Hits‘ , which includes the great ‘Escape’ (The Pina Colada Song), from Amazon.com:
There you have it. Until next time remember, if you can’t stand the heat, then stay out of the kitchen. J/W
